Let's cut through the bullshit about romance and disappointment. I've been there. The rollercoaster of hope and heartbreak that makes you want to build a fortress around your heart and never let another man through the gate. But I've discovered something more powerful than protection: perspective.
Why Your Brain Keeps Serving You Relationship Déjà Vu
Your mind is literally programmed to protect you from pain. It's constantly scanning your past, looking for patterns and potential threats. So when Chad ghosted you after three amazing dates or Michael turned out to be living a double life, your brain files that under "Evidence That Men Are Trash" and starts building its case.
The more disappointments you collect, the stronger that story becomes—until you're unconsciously sabotaging connections before they even have a chance to disappoint you.
I refused to let my story end that way.
The Art of Selective Memory: Choose Your Narrative
Sure, I could look back on that evening with the restaurant owner who after a few dates invited me over to his place to cook for me and focus on the red flags. This man—this objectively gorgeous, talented chef—cooked me a meal that would make Gordon Ramsay weep. His home looked like something out of Architectural Digest. The charcuterie board he prepared? Fucking magnificent.
Then he casually mentioned cheating on his wife, never actually loving her, and walking out without explanation.
That revelation hit like a bucket of ice water. Marriage and loyalty aren't casual concepts to me—they're sacred. The evening ended there in my mind, even if I politely finished my wine.
Reframing Men Who Disappoint You: My Maldon Salt Theory
When I look back on that interaction, I have choices. I could add it to my "Men Are Trash" evidence folder. I could let it reinforce that relationships are dangerous and people are deceptive.
Or I could make him the man who introduced me to Maldon salt.
Have you tried this stuff? It's life-changing. Those perfect flaky crystals elevate literally everything they touch. And every time I sprinkle it over my food, I'm reminded that even disappointing people can bring valuable things into your life.
He's not "the cheater" in my story. He's "Maldon salt guy." And I'm genuinely grateful for that contribution to my culinary life.
How to Extract Value From Your Romantic History
Your past relationships aren't just collections of disappointments—they're treasure chests of experiences that shaped who you are now. The question isn't whether they hurt you (many probably did), but what you gained despite the pain.
Did your ex introduce you to your favorite band? Did you discover your love of hiking with someone who later broke your heart? Did that situationship teach you exactly what you don't want, clarifying what you absolutely deserve?
Take inventory of these gifts. They're yours to keep, regardless of how the relationship ended.
Rewiring Your Relationship Expectations Without Settling
This isn't about lowering your standards or accepting shitty behavior. It's about refusing to let disappointment harden you into someone who's afraid to be vulnerable again.
When you train your mind to extract positivity from past connections, you rewire your expectations. Instead of bracing for impact, you approach new relationships with curiosity: "I wonder what this person will add to my life, even if they don't stay forever?"
That energy—open, curious, ungoverned by fear—is magnetic as hell.
The Power of Cherry-Picking Your Relationship Memories
The next time you find yourself spiraling about your romantic history, try this exercise: List five positive things you gained from your last three relationships. They can be tangible (like my beloved Maldon salt), experiential (that incredible trip to Bali), or growth-oriented (learning to communicate your needs).
Your brain wants to protect you by focusing on the hurt. Override that system by deliberately strengthening the positive neural pathways instead.
When you focus on extracting value rather than avoiding pain, dating becomes less about fear and more about discovery. And that, gorgeous, is how you stay open to the possibility of love—even when it's burned you before.
Remember: Everyone has disappointments. But you get to decide what those disappointments mean about your future.
If I can do this, you can do this too.
xoxo,
Candice