I was journaling this morning when something clicked that I've been dancing around for years. As someone who prides herself on seeing the best in people, this realization hit different—but it was undeniable.
I have zero fucking tolerance for people who use their trauma as a hall pass to treat others like garbage in relationships.
And if you're reading this, neither should you.
The Uncomfortable Truth About Trauma Bonding
Here's what nobody tells you about dating: when you fall for someone, you're not just getting their Sunday morning personality. You're signing up for front-row seats to their wounds, their triggers, and every way they've been shattered before. That's the deal we all make when we choose vulnerability.
But here's where I draw a line in blood: when someone repeatedly hurts you and then pulls out their trauma card like it's a get-out-of-jail-free pass for being a shitty partner.
Your compassion is not a rehabilitation center for emotionally unavailable men.
Why the "Trauma Excuse" Is Emotional Manipulation
Listen, we've all been broken. Childhood abandonment, toxic exes, family dysfunction—the human experience is basically a masterclass in learning how to function despite being damaged. I get it. You get it. We all fucking get it.
But here's what separates the men worth your energy from the ones who will drain your soul: choice.
The ones worth your time recognize their trauma, understand how it affects their behavior, and do the actual work to heal it. They go to therapy, practice self-awareness, and make conscious choices about how they show up for you.
The ones who will destroy you? They weaponize their wounds. They use their past as permission to be selfish, careless, and reckless with your heart. They act like being hurt gives them the right to hurt you.
Why This Hits Different When You're Attached
Romantic relationships aren't casual friendships you can easily walk away from. When you fall in love, your brain literally rewires itself. You're forming deep emotional bonds that make "just leave at the first red flag" feel impossible.
I've watched too many incredible women stay with partners who consistently hurt them, hoping love would inspire change. I've been that woman, making excuses for someone's behavior because I understood their pain.
But understanding someone's trauma doesn't mean accepting their poor treatment. Empathy doesn't require you to become their emotional punching bag.
The Cycle That's Stealing Your Peace
Here's the really fucked up part: when these relationships inevitably end (because you finally protect yourself), these men move on to the next woman. They carry the same patterns, hurt her the same way, and the cycle continues like an infectious disease.
Meanwhile, you're left questioning your worth, rebuilding your boundaries, and wondering if you're asking for too much by expecting basic respect.
This is not your burden to carry. You are not responsible for healing anyone but yourself.
(This mornings proof that I am a work in progress, but I own that and CONSTANTLY work to improve myself to allow myself to show up better for others)
The Choice That Changes Everything
We have the power to rewire our brains, form new habits, heal our traumas, and consciously decide how we show up in relationships. Neuroplasticity is real. Therapy works. Personal growth is possible—for those who choose it.
If someone has access to resources, awareness of their patterns, and people who love them enough to call them out—and they still choose to be a destructive partner? That's not trauma talking. That's just who they've decided to be.
And that person is not your responsibility to fix.
Stop Making Excuses for Men Who Won't Change
We need to stop collectively enabling bad behavior by explaining it away. "He can't help it, he had a rough childhood." "He doesn't know any better." "He's working through stuff."
But sometimes the most loving thing you can do—for both of you—is refuse to accept poor treatment. Sometimes you need to be the first person to say, "Your trauma explains your behavior, but it doesn't excuse it."
Only when faced with real consequences do most people feel motivated to change. As long as you keep cushioning the impact of their choices, why would they bother doing the hard work?
Your Mental Health Is Not Negotiable
Maybe you think I'm being too harsh. Maybe some people genuinely can't help their destructive patterns. But that doesn't make them your problem to solve.
You're not a rehabilitation center. You're not a therapist. You're not responsible for loving someone into wholeness.
If you're with someone who knows they have trauma affecting how they treat you, and they choose not to address it—that's information about their character, not their circumstances.
Your trauma is not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility. And how you treat your partner? That's 100% your choice.
What You Actually Deserve
I'm not asking for perfection. I'm not expecting anyone to be completely healed before they deserve love. We're all works in progress.
What I'm demanding—and what you should demand—is effort. Awareness. The willingness to take responsibility for their impact on you. The courage to do the work instead of expecting your love to fix them.
Because you deserve better than being collateral damage in someone else's healing journey.
The Permission You've Been Waiting For
If you're in a relationship with someone who consistently hurts you and hides behind their trauma, this is your permission slip to leave. Your mental health matters more than their comfort zone.
You are not responsible for staying until they figure their shit out. You are not obligated to endure poor treatment because you understand where it comes from.
Your healing matters too. Your peace matters. Your happiness matters.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
The right person will come to you already committed to their own healing—not expecting you to do the work for them.
Trust me on this one.
xoxo,
Candice